Mum’s emotional response matters to me. In the morning when Mum first wakes up, she’s often either smiling from her dreams or initially disoriented and confused about where she is and who I am.
If it’s the latter, she looks confused but not frightened. I always introduce myself, and sometimes she laughs at me (with a sly look that says I know who you are!) and other times she corrects me and calls me by a different name.
Don’t take it Personally
There’s no point in getting frustrated or trying to force her to remember. I just remind her that I’m her daughter and that we live together now and it’s time to get up. There’s no distrust or worry from Mum, her emotional response is one of feeling secure and not scared. She knows that I’m someone who she can trust.
That’s what’s important to me. Her emotional response matters.
Initially I used to take it personally, how could she forget me when I spend all day with her? We have fun together, cook her favourite foods, help her with everything and she still forgets me! My frustration was irrational. Once I accepted that it wasn’t Mum it became easier. I just learned to live with it, it wasn’t a big deal, who really cares if she doesn’t know me. There’s no song and dance when her memory returns and she briefly recognises me. That’s not important to me anymore when it once used to be.
Related: 8 Dementia Tips when Your Loved One Doesn’t Recognise You
The Simplest Conversations
This morning, I had to wake Mum early for medications and did part of her personal care before the care workers arrived. Then the care workers took over and finished getting Mum ready, and brought her downstairs into her recliner. Once the care workers moved out of her line of sight, she saw me, and we had this conversation:
Mum: Hi Kat
Me: Hi, Mum, how are you?
Mum: I’m fine, (a huge smile starts to appear) I haven’t seen you in a long time!
Me: You’re right, it’s been a long time, how are you?
Mum: No, not that long, (wagging her finger at me). I only saw you a couple of days ago
Me: Oh, I’m sorry I forgot, well, it’s nice to see you. What do you want for breakfast – Cornflakes or Weetabix?
Mum: Can I have some cornflakes for me and Kat, please (pointing to the care worker)
It’s hard to convey the delight on Mum’s face, seeing me, and the earnest responses of correcting me. In one conversation she recognises me, with an almighty smile on her face, laughing at me thinking we hadn’t seen each other in ages and then within moments she forgets or confuses who I am with the care worker.
The Emotional Response Matters
I don’t care about the recognition but I love watching her reaction. I’ve started to enjoy the moments that Mum doesn’t recognise or remember me or our time together, it really doesn’t bother me.
Because, the other side is the wonderful feeling she gets from greeting someone she loves but hasn’t seen in ages. That’s what it’s like for Mum, everyday.
I cherish that fleeting moment of connection, where Mum breaks through the fog of forgetfulness not for what it means to me, but for what it means to her, seeing her smile with her whole heart. I just love to see the moment as it breaks slowly across her face, the blank or confused look starts to disappear to be replaced by this huge grin, that’s so wide, it grabs your heart, and you can see the love shining through her eyes.
The emotion behind that smile is worth everything to me, not the recognition itself. It’s so important because the world has become increasingly unfamiliar to her, but knowing somewhere deep down that she feels trust, love and comfort around me is worth more than anything.
That’s what’s important to me, her emotional response matters.
Dementia Is A Cruel Disease!
Time seems to be moving very fast, there are small changes almost daily in mum’s memories, abilities and interaction with the world. So my focus is making as many joyful moments as possible, I hate to think that mum is alone in her own head. Anytime, I can break through and get a smile or interaction with her is another moment I will cherish, but the most important thing is to see her, and not worry about the small stuff.
Dementia is a cruel disease, I want my mum’s remaining time to be as happy and full of love as possible
That’s what’s important to me, her emotional response matters in everything we do.
Those moments whatever they are, where we find joy, is life. It’s not about remembering a face or a name for me, instead it’s the emotional response that brings light for mum. That can be through social engagement by talking to people, touch, sight, music, environment, art etc. Whatever brings love to the forefront.
Love is something that remains unbroken despite this cruel disease.
Til next week.
Ps. Here’s Kikki, giving me a ‘why are you bothering me look!’
