Caring for a parent with dementia changes family relationships, but it doesn’t have to damage them. It can sometimes bring siblings closer but it can also create rifts and lead to tensions. This article looks at how to navigate sibling tensions, to try to reduce miscommunication & resentments.
It’s ok to disagree with siblings, but being open, listening and communicating, learning to accept a situation and how to deal with these challenges is essential for caregivers.
Here’s a look at why someone might become the primary caregiver, the common issues that come up, and strategies to handle family conflicts along the way.
How Someone Becomes the Primary Caregiver
You might find yourself becoming the primary caregiver without really choosing it.
Maybe you’re the one living closest, or you can work from home or have flexible work arrangements, or your own family situation can accommodate it, or you have no health issue stopping you or you’re simply in a better position financially than your siblings.
Sometimes it’s cultural expectations – especially for women who often end up in caregiving roles.
Whatever the reason, you’ve accepted or chosen the role, so how can you do this with other family members to balance the load and know that you don’t have to do it all alone. How can you avoid family tensions that can arise when caring for a parent?
Siblings and Dementia Care: 6 Common Conflicts & How to Manage Them
1. Sharing Care Responsibilities
One sibling typically handles most caregiving duties, which can lead to resentment. The primary caregiver might start to feel overwhelmed, while other siblings feel left out or guilty.
What You Can Do About It?
Get everyone together for an honest chat about what they can actually do – and I mean really do, not just promise to do whether that’s time, money, or emotional support. Involving everyone in the process from the beginning helps avoid misunderstandings later.
Try this approach: have each sibling become the “expert” on something specific.
One person researches local support services, another looks into medical options, one looks at talking to advice agencies with your parent, one looks at finances with your parent. Then bring all that information together as family with your parent who should be part of these conversations – after all, it’s their life we’re talking about, and ask what are they comfortable with?
Consider creating a “caregiver agreement” that clearly divides tasks and outlines expectations, and revisit it regularly to adjust for your parent’s changing dementia support needs.
2. Managing Old Family Patterns
Childhood dynamics often resurface – rivalry, favouritism, and competition for parent’s attention can create new conflicts.
How to Handle it?
The best thing you can do is call it out when you see it happening, by addressing it early rather than letting it fester you can start to breakdown these old patterns.
Remind everyone to keep the focus on your parents needs rather than old family issues, they may need reassurance right now, not dealing with family squabbles.
If you feel it happening, and it can’t be squashed, step away from the situation until things cool down. Learn from my own experience, don’t start a dispute in front of your parent, it’s horrible.
3. Care Decisions
There may be disagreements about whether your parent should stay at home or move to a care facility. Cultural values and gender expectations often play a role in these choices.
Working Through it
Start with what your parent wants! They should be leading this conversation while they can. What are their preferences and how do these align with their current needs? Everyone’s dementia is different, moves at different speeds and presents in different ways depending on the type, and remember that support needs change over time.
Mediation by a neutral family member or a professional can sometimes help resolve disagreements. If a middle ground is possible, such as in-home care, it may be worth considering. Or is splitting care between siblings an option, though only if it benefits your parent without causing them distress. Research all options thoroughly and share findings, discuss with your parent and come to an agreement that benefits you all. Don’t get pressured into cultural or gendered roles as the primary caregiver.
4. Medical Choices
Siblings may disagree about treatment options or may not understand the progression of dementia if they’re not regularly present. It’s frustrating when siblings who only see your parent on good days don’t understand why you’re suggesting more help or different treatments.
Making it Work
As long as they are able, your parent should be central to these decisions, what do they want?
If they can’t and disagreements persist, consider a conflict resolution approach beforehand, like a majority vote approach backed by thorough research on treatments. Regularly sharing medical updates can also help siblings understand the reality of your parent’s condition.
5. Communication – Keeping Everyone Informed
Primary caregivers often handle the day-to-day tasks, which can leave other siblings feeling left out of important updates or important decisions. Balancing communication without being overwhelmed by it is another caregiver challenge.
What can help?
Setting up a shared digital space, like a family email thread, a group chat or document that allows everyone to stay informed without placing the burden solely on the caregiver.
Regular family calls or meetings can also ensure that everyone remains involved.
Siblings who live far away can contribute by making regular video calls with your parent, even lightening the load with longer calls to give you a short break as the primary caregiver.
Agree to come together at certain times of year to have family meetings, and stick to them, and also it’s not just the primary caregiver’s responsibility to keep everyone informed, siblings can also share amongst themselves.
6. End-of-Life Planning
Families often avoid discussing end-of-life care until it’s too late. Nobody wants to have this conversation, but having it now is much better than trying to figure it out in a crisis.
Getting Through It
If your parent haven’t expressed these wishes, get it done now while they can express their preferences. Document their wishes, get the paperwork done, Wills, Power of Attorney, Advanced Directives, funeral arrangements, etc.
An excellent source of information to start a conversation is using life planning tools like the My Future Handbook. If your parent hasn’t or aren’t able to share their preferences, then have that discussion with your siblings now, when emotions are more stable.
Having these conversations early can ease decision-making later, when grief and stress can cloud judgement. Talking about end-of-life preferences may be difficult, but it’s essential to prevent future misunderstandings.
Conclusion
Caring for a parent with dementia changes family relationships, but it doesn’t have to damage them. Success depends on open communication, clear agreements, and most importantly, keeping your parent’s wishes and dignity at the centre of all decisions.
Learning how to navigate sibling tensions won’t always be easy but creating a structure for shared responsibilities can make the process smoother and help reduce tension over time.
Regular family check-ins and willingness to adjust arrangements can help prevent resentment and ensure your parent receives the best possible care.
